tucked in.

2008.

This is more than the end of a year. It is the end of a miniature lifetime of wandering and insanity. OK...maybe that's a stretch, but I am an adult now...bills and obligations.

I found myself this year. I am no longer a wreckless, fucktard fuck-up. Months of couch-surfing, traveling the country, finally settling up house in Brooklyn, one night stands, two month stints of lust and loss have led me to write this ode to sunshine on a FCI tuition bill envelope. (My poor computer. I have said many tearful farewells to my STD infested PC. Its demise has allowed me to let go of the bullshit past.)

Some things can and will never change. Credit cards are still evil. Men dizzily confuse me to no end. I will continue to dwell on the negative aspects of my single status until I find a poor sack to love and constantly nag.

I miss the things that haven't happened yet...

Thanks to everyone that put up with my obsession with hard alcohol. Mostly those that saw a flash of tit and tat. Those who were molested, offended, and called several times in the dim lit early hours of the morning. You know who you are. Please don't use those voice mails against me.

And thanks to everyone that kept up with the blog these several months. I had no set goals to accomplish. I just put down what goes on in my daily life. I hope it was decently amusing and inspiring. I hope it evoked more than a groan, crotch scratch, nose pick, etc.

I promise to be cooler in 2009.

-muse or myth

the road less traveled.

Had another fun filled Nada Surf 3-day weekend. They played amazing sets at Bowery Ballroom, Webster Hall, and Maxwell's (the roof on the stage has been patched). Nada played a lot of unheard songs from all five studio albums. The openers made me swoon instantly. I can't say enough good things about how dynamic Delta Spirit is. I'm developing a bit of a girl crush on Holly Miranda from the Jealous Girlfriends. To say she sings "well" is quite an understatement. Highlights include inpromptu after show acoustic sing alongs with Matthew Caws, Daniel Lorca, and Holly Miranda. They went out this year with a bang.

Next day, jetted off to Austin, TX with my girl wonder Katie. We stayed in good proximity to the world famous 6th street. The next fews days were a blur. I can't even begin to imagine how much alcohol we drank. It seemed a lot like breakfast, lunch, and dinner came with a side of tequila. The first night we scoped out downtown Austin and stumbled upon Emo's.

"Is that a tour bus?"

(We're not band sluts. We care about the music. It's hard to keep a straight face while writing that...)

We walked past one of the vans parked behind the Fishbone tour bus only to get lured in with the promise of candy and a good time. After numerous swigs of vodka from a paper bag, we made friends with Natives of the New Dawn. We were promptly put on the list and became merch girls.

Oh, and it snowed. In Texas. I'm convinced we brought it with us from the east, a pre Christmas present to our southern pals.

I met up with John from wmmf our last night. Whiskey was flowing like water. Katie had a few too many "vodka with a tiny splash of cranberry". Things got messy. People fell in love. There was a lot of early morning dog petting.

I loved Austin. It's laid back and liberal minded. People are polite and interesting. Having a drink before 5pm is totally acceptable. I'm looking forward to going back, maybe for SXSW or ACL. It is the live music capitol of the world.

trademarked.

I get annoyed when people make the claim "I don't like labels". I happen to like using labels to categorize people. Everyone is supposedly so fucking special and multifaceted. Using a few key adjectives to describe someone is natural and helpful.

Nouns. Adjectives. Verbs. Make complete sentences.

For instance, describing Jane as a "whore" lets me know she's promiscuous and has business aspirations. Describing John as "needy" lets me know I shouldn't bother flirting because he's a stalker, where as describing Mike as "a dick head" lets me know he's potentially available for one good night of hate sex and morning after awkwardness.

Categorizing yourself is fun but not equally as judging other people. Also, it's good to know who you think you are. Please understand that who you think you are and what others think of you could be the exact opposite. It really depends what karmic energy you're putting out into the universe. If you think you're Mary fucking Sunshine but you're actually the sick spawn of Charles Manson and Britney Spears, you might want to reevaluate your priorities.

I'm a huge pile of filthy liberal cow dung. Indeed! Hippies, flowers, peace on earth, animal rights...I'm into all that tree hugging shit. I'm also one sadistic little bitch. Words like macabre, free spirited, generous, analytical, and loud are agreeable. Psychotic, obnoxious, cute, and relentless are words not as liked, but are understood as an honest perception of myself.

The phrase "I don't want to be put in a box" is just plain ridiculous. To describe is to perceive and, therefore, attempt understanding and relatability. Generalizations get the initial job done. Friend or foe. I run for the hills when I hear "fundamentalist", others might when they hear "hipster" or "vegan".

I'm judging you and being pigeon-holed by you in turn. Let's deal with it and move on to more important issues. Like fucking each other.

breaking up is hard to do.

Was editing old entires last night and one in particular really stuck out...the one where I tenderly rip nyc a new asshole.

"I think I'm over New York. It's too comfortable and predictable. If we were dating, this would be the time in the relationship I would get bored and move onto someone new. With a nicer personality. And a better haircut." -July, 2008

Have things changed in the present months? I'm uncertain of how I feel about my surroundings. It's still comfortable and predictable. Gentrification is inevitable. Dating is abominable*.

On the other hand, it is my city (born and raised) and I should have some sense of pride. New restaurants, concerts, school, and old friends keep me occupied from full blown cynicism. I'll definitely be here for another 1-3 years. I should keep my loathing to a soft hum...wouldn't want to start a war with the neighbors.

A roadtrip is in order. Once again it is time to see what else is out there.




*Dating is abominable (brief synopsis): All the good and interesting ones are taken. But hey! Most of them are cheating. Right now. Probably with unsuspecting females like myself. Do you know where your boyfriend/husband is? Fuck it all.

sexual revolution: omnivore edition

"I cut meat from my diet and now I constantly want it in between my legs." -Anonymous

"We didn't need dialogue. We had faces!"

Yes, Halloween is technically a year away. However, I've been brainstorming. I'd like for a change to actually think of an amazing and scary costume. Last minute efforts tend to fall flat of their face. Example: this year. I was really digging my 70's dodgeball costume but it probably would have worked out better if I had more friends to join the theme. Right now I'm thinking:

1. a Marionette- Nothing is scarier than a doll. Nothing!

2. Bette Davis as Baby Jane from "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" (pictured below) - The only thing that can come close to being as frightening as a doll is an old, sadistic, alcoholic, ex vaudville performer still wearing little girl's clothing. The ringlets! The years of caked on makeup!

...see, dolls are creepy.

3. Gloria Swanson as Norma Desmond from "Sunset Boulevard" - Clearly decrepit bags of hollywood flesh really kick my creativity into high gear. Furthermore, I've always wanted an excuse to wear a turban.

"I'd like the coffin to be white, and I want it specially lined with satin. White... or pink. Maybe red! Bright flaming red! Let's make it gay!" - Norma Desmond

the promised land

I was a bad child on Halloween. That is all I am willing to divulge.

photo by Q. Sakamaki

week in music (oct. 19-25)

Stats
# of CD's purchased: 2
# of albums on heavy rotation: 12
# of concerts attended (this week): 2
# of concerts attended (this year): 18

It's been a busy few weeks but I caught one night of the CMJ music festival at Bowery Ballroom. The lineup included: Cory Chisel & The Wandering Souls, Shugo Tokumaru, Audrye Sessions, Love as Laughter, Wild Sweet Orange, Margot and the Nuclear So-and-Sos. Audrye Sessions were my favorite of the night. I walked around a lot, chatting with a lot of the bands. Ended up spending a good amount of time with Eric, merch guy of Wild Sweet Orange. Merch life seems strangely hectic and boring at the same time.

Friday, went to the sold out Killers show (72 seconds, really?!). Thanks again to jrm from wmmf for hooking me up with insane VIP access.

NOTE: I'm not one to brag but when the hell will this happen again? Exactly.

7:00pm- doors open. I cut 1,000 people who have been waiting on line for 4+ hours. Yep, I'm that asshole.
7:05pm- pick up my ticket from the box office. also score an after party badge.
7:10pm- get to my balcony seat. front row center. sitting above an emormous amount of drunk "bros", moshing and getting out their sexual frustration.
9:30- Killers go on. The general energy is flourishing. The downsides are: they only perform the popular radio singles and all of my favorite songs are not such. They also play 3 new songs...I only like one.

Evolution is supposed to be a positive thing...better, faster, stronger, right? Sadly they're indie/new wave sound is turning into trendy cotton candy. They need a good sharpening. If they weren't such good showmen, I'd be very dissapointed.

11:00pm- extreme shmoozing. To my left, an unnaturally rail thin Kate Bosworth holding a solo cup of beer two sizes too big for her little hands. She's very attractive...her boyfriend even more so. To my right, a shy Chris Martin of Coldplay quietly talking to models trying to break up his marriage...it's not working. Walking down the empty hallway toward the after party behind a humming Brandon Flowers (I take it he really loves music). Juliette Lewis, someone I very much admire, being as sweet as pie and looking damn hot. Ed "Chuck Bass" Westwick violently brushing past me towards the nearest exit. Totally full of himself. Very short in person. HUGE CRANIUM. British accent sounds fake.

By this time, my head is spinning. Lots of egos in one room.

Looking back, I am glad I didn't take any photos. I was trying to respectfully adapt to my celebrity-filled atmosphere.

the ex list

It's the season for remenicing. An album or particular song can bring you back to a thin hair moment in time. I believe a great majority of my music collection, or taste for that matter, has come from exes (flings and friends). This is not a revelation. Most people are influenced by whom they spend time with.

9. Gil Mantera's Party Dream, Bloodsongs, 2006

Christian #1, affectionately known as "Grinner", turned me onto this 21st century new wave/electronica duo of spandex-clad brothers. When I first heard Bloodsongs two years ago, I thought the album was straight from 1986. It's fun, fresh, and familiar in a nostalgic way.

songs to download: "Buffalo Tears", "Elmo's Wish"


8. Pixies, Surfer Rosa, 1988

My old friend Charlotte was one of the first people to introduce me to alternative music in high school. We used to exchange mix tapes that included Modest Mouse, Le Tigre, The Smiths, and Built to Spill. One of my fondest memories was dancing around to "Bone Machine" of all songs.

songs to download: "Where is my mind?", "Bone Machine"


7. Elliott Smith, XO, 1998

Another Charlotte influence. I was a late Elliott Smith bloomer. I first heard "Waltz #2" in summer 2003. Tomorrow actually happens to be the 5th anniversary of his demise. He had such a beautiful sadness in his voice. This album especially makes me miss old friends.

songs to download: "Sweet Adeline", "Bled White", "Waltz #1"


6. Radiohead, Hail to the Thief, 2003

I always considered myself a big fan, that is, until I met self proclaimed "greatest fan" Jordan C. This kid lived and breathed Radiohead. I swear that's all he listened to the entire time we spent together. He also got incredibly defensive when I suggested Radiohead and Muse sometimes sounded similar (because they do). It was difficult to pick one specific album, I pretty much closed my eyes and chose randomly.

songs to download: "Wolf at the Door", "Scatterbrain", "2 + 2 = 5"

5. Supergrass, I Should Coco, 1995

This is an album I would have never stumbled onto in my own time. I was far too young in the 90's to remember Supergrass other than the popularity of "Alright" (Clueless soundtrack).

songs to download: "Mansize Rooster", "Lenny"

4. The Killers, Hot Fuss (UK version), 2005
Most of my favorite bands were introduced to me by Jared (numbers 1-4 on this list). He had the most impeccable and interesting music taste. He was always ahead of the hippest of hipsters, discovering new bands light years before popularity. I chose the UK version over the American release because of "Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll". It was just pretentious enough to make me fall head over heels.

songs to download: "Jenny Was a Friend of Mine", "On Top", "Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll"


3. Matt Pond PA, Several Arrows Later, 2005
This might be one out of the two albums on this list where every song is perfect and download worthy. It reminds me of the transition from the last days of summer to a swift autumn breeze in the city...rooftop bbqs in October.

songs to download: "So Much Trouble", "Several Arrows Later", "Emblems", "Brooklyn Stars"


2. Athlete, Tourist, 2005
(Apparently 2005 was a good year in my life for music)
Tourist is so fucking delicate. I completely associate it as the we're-broken-up-so-i'll-listening-to-this-on repeat-and-cry-but-hey-at-least-it's-not-Barry-Manilow album. It still evokes a ton of emotion. "Chances", with its slow build up to its incredible orchestral style, just rips my heart out.

songs to download: "Chances", "Wires", "Trading Air", "Yesterday Threw Everything at Me"

1. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, Howl, 2005
It's interesting because I didn't automatically love BRMC at first listen. I really like "Weight of the World" and "Gospel Song", but I put Howl on the back burner. I still don't know the exact reason why. However it's one of my most listened to records of 2008, which is why it's claimed the number one spot. Seriously, every single songs is haunting.

songs to download: all of them but to start..."Sympathetic Noose", "Ain't No Easy Way", "The Line", "Weight of the World", "Howl"

week in music (october 12-18)

Stats
# of CD's purchased: 4
# of albums on heavy rotation: 20+
# of concerts attended (this week): 0
# of concerts attended (this year): 16

Nada Surf held a music video contest for their next single "Weightless". Submission time has been over for a while, but a winner has yet to be named. I watched about 20 videos (mostly amateurish). I picked my two favorites. Links below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvQJnnLrzUs
(adorable animation including the band)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CA8__Y4VNqw
(very creative/great shots/special effects, "eternal sunshine" like)


**Also, What Made Milwaukee Famous' "DisaTour '08" chapters 1-3 edited and shot (mostly) by jrm (drummer, chef, madman). All of their vlogs are hilarious but this new series is the best.**

chapter 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xllQNUHtXk

chapter 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UhUihWl-eWI

chapter 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ljyqd6U9S8

week in music (october 5-11)

Stats
# of CD's purchased: 2
# of albums on heavy rotation: 16
# of concerts attended (this week): 2
# of concerts attended (this year): 16

A lot happened at the Hot Chip & Mickey Avalon concerts, actually too much to recount. Photos from the Mickey Avalon show, below.

"it's a motherfucking walk off"

Next week is the season finale of Project Runway. This season (No. 5) has been somewhat boring. It lacks what the previous season had, a perfect balance of good designers and big personalities. The show replaced the old formula with so-so designers, poser-like personalities, and so much product placement to make one's brain open at the seams. I have always been a fan of the villian: Santino Rice, Jeffrey Sebelia (he's very endearing in person), and now rockabilly girl Kenley Collins. I'm fond of their outspokeness and ability to defend their work to no end. Intersting people keep me interested in what they are creating.I'm perpetually sighing. I miss old runway...seasons 2&3 mostly. I wish Bravo or Lifetime (whomever decides to reboot the show) puts it to sleep soon. It's time to graduate.

week in music: catch up, a midterm.

The dog days of Summer are over. Even though it's still 60ish-sometimes 70ish degrees out, Fall has officially begun. It's been over a month since I have posted any new material. In that month, I have broken up with a boyfriend, got school on track, ended my days of couch surfing, and begun to pick up the pieces of a life long battle with anxiety.

Stats
# of CD's purchased: 2
# of albums on heavy rotation: 12
# of concerts attended (this week): 0
# of concerts attended (this year): 14

3 weeks ago, I got the privilege of hanging out with What Made Milwaukee Famous (spreading the love all around...tons of good one liners and stories) and Wild Sweet Orange (Preston Lovinggood thinks I'm a "christian without even realizing"). Long story how I went from fan to friend. Essentially I was rejected from a wmmf show a few months prior for being just shy of 21. The band witnessed this and took pity. We kept in touch through the occasional myspace message.

For the first time I got to experience the glamorous and not so glamorous side of rock n' roll. Being behind the scenes made me realize how much music, especially live music, fuels my own artistic passion. I enjoy being surrounded by talented people doing what they love. It's similar to getting a taste of the fountain of youth; the spirit and sheer drive to succeed at anything becomes contagious.

My possible groupie status does concern me. Am I technically a groupie?

s.o.s.

I've had mono for almost two weeks now. My birthday is in 5 days. I have never felt so alone or miserable. Most of my days are spent trying to sleep, sweating off multiple fevers, choking on phlem, watching my family eat solid foods, and thinking of ways to off myself. I get very spiritual in these bleak situations, praying to gods I don't believe in. Is it just me or do people only pray when they want something? It's probably just me.

endless lists.

I've been laying low lately. There's not much to report when you're happy. Lots of spooning (not so single anymore), staying inside with the air conditioning, and procrastinating about procrastinating. I can see the storm brewing in the near distant future. For once it's the kind of storm to stand in, with arms stretched and head cocked back to enjoy. There will be a mess load of concerts to attend, a birthday a few weeks away, jet setting, cat sitting, getting everything ready to become an adult.

angels vs. gods party

wet hot american summer @ mccarren pool

whig and masque review: photos

a night to remember/ moments to forget

I went to the Whig & Masque party on Tuesday night. Everyone had to write a secret and a dream. One dream would be brought to life and all of the secrets were passed out and read to the crowd. One of these secrets (pictured) happens to be mine.

...Can't wait for next month's party.

dubai brooklyn & pride parade

more or less sex.

things that are sad/obnoxious
1. dragging your boyfriend to see the sex and the city movie (he doesn't want to see it and this also means you have no friends. work on that)
2. dressing up to see the sex and the city movie (this is only acceptable if you're going to a real premiere. celebrities and paparazzi included)
2.a. further offenses include: dressing like a character from the show (this isn't rocky horror, people)
2.b. pretending you are a character from the show to the degree of delusional
3. complaining about how bad/good the movie actually was (well I'm guilty of that one)

Most of these thoughts stemmed from sitting next to the irritated gentlemen in the movie theater. He was obviously swindled into seeing the SATC movie with his girlfriend. He most likely even paid for the tickets. "I could be in this situation right now", I thought to myself. And I fell deeper in my head and trailed off...

A lot of times, out of loneliness and sheer insanity, I forget who I am. On these occasions, I wish I could change the past with ex-boyfriends. Like, maybe this time things will be different. Maybe this time, things will work out. I then furiously smack myself in the face just once and I'm back to normal.

Yes, I'm currently single and they're not. But in the same instance, I flourish with the idea that I'm not a carbon copy or a wannabe. I genuinely think it's nice that they are nice. But it's not the first adjective I would pick to describe myself. I am what the new girlfriends could never be; cheeky, colorful, and passionate to the point of wild. I like flaws, that's what makes people interesting and worthwhile. I cannot and will not be dumbed down to the PG-13 movie version of the R-rated book. So I'm not waiting around for Mr. Right. He's flawless. I'd rather take my chances alone and perhaps one day bump into someone worthwhile.

breaking up

I spent last night at a party in Brooklyn. I had a really fun and adventurous time, ending up nowhere near the starting point. My sober body somehow felt drunk by association and I was surrounded with the leftovers of a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

So I think I'm over New York. It's too comfortable and predictable. If we were dating, this would be the time in the relationship I would get bored and move onto someone new. With a nicer personality. And a better haircut.

Much of my newfound revelations have been validated in the past 24 hours. It's surreal to finally know who I am and who I want to be. It's even more remarkable how quickly things can change.

trip overview

I've been back from northern California for a couple of days now. My trip was nice and relaxing, with only a few moments filled with anxiety. I should win an award for getting lost...I am just that good at it. Most of my time was spent with an assortment of cats and quality sunny days There were kamakaze kites, healthy fast food, fun new people to meet, and incredible views.

It's hard not to fall in love with California. The landscapes are nearly perfect, it makes snow seem like blasphemy. I like the general positive, laid-back mentality. Every person seems fascinating. I forget how rigid and tense New York City makes me feel sometimes...lots of people rushing around, never really slowing down to feel alive.

I didn't go to Bay to Breakers. Seeing the leftover people in their costumes only made me slightly regretful. Well, there's always next year. Fortunately I had the option to see the new Indiana Jones movie and attend the luncheon afterwards (free drinks and movie sets). The movie for the most part was amazing. It's an easy movie to get lost in. Not much substance. I thought the sci-fi twists were too generic and didn't fit with the rest of franchise. On my last day I got a tour of LucasArts, a subsidiary of Lucasfilm Limited . There was a lot of memorabilia to "ooh" and "aah" at. I was a kid in a candy shop.

*I went to CA carrying along the theory that most single American men live on the west coast and most single American women live on the east coast. It turns out to be very true and that's all I'm divulging.